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Clovis Cra...Crop Circles?
CANBY , OR-- (ARP) There is a house over on Maple street that has been attracting some attention as of late. Neighbors and local townspeople have been drawn to this yard to look at the intricate network of circles, spirals and geometric designs on the front lawn of the home of Mrs. Betty Stranes. Indeed, they look like the well documented crop circles that show up in English countryside farms, only in miniature.  Are tiny hoaxters at work here? Could there be a race of miniature space aliens trying to deliver a message? "No", says Mrs. Stranes. According to her, they the genius of her very, own Siberian Husky named, " Clovis".
" Clovis lets himself out into the front yard to relieve himself. When we first got him as a puppy, I noticed wherever he ...uh...relieved himself in the front yard, it would result in a circle of dead grass. I had tried reseeding and using products to get rid of the circles, but finally gave up. That's when I noticed the patterns. There would be a large dead, grass spot and as the days progressed, smaller dead grass circles surrounding it in a circle. Sometimes he also pees in spiral shapes connecting the circles", Mrs. Stranes informed interested visitors.
According to Mrs. Stranes, Clovis has taught himself. Indeed, while we were talking, Clovis came through his doggie door and over to the lawn. We watched him wander, sniffing, and looking for the precise spot to make another addition to his doggie...shall we say, design. When he had finished, Mrs. Stranes beamed widely, told Clovis, "Good-boy!", and then picked up the pile in the center. Several visiting neighbors who had been watching applauded wildly.
Mrs. Stranes added, "He's become a bit of a show off. I think he enjoys the attention. Last week he peed his first triangle! We are very proud of Clovis, but we are a little afraid this might go to his head. I blame myself, partly. We let him watch the Discover channel. We know he especially loves the crop circle documentaries. We put those on tape for him, now."
Mrs. Stranes also confided in us something else she's noticed about Clovis circles. They tend to increase in size just before an earthquake. "I'm not sure why, but the bigger his movement, the bigger the quake. I've read about dogs who know when quakes are coming. I think he might be one of those." She has written the U.S. Geological Survey office about Clovis's bowels, but so far, has failed to receive an interested reply.
Clovis 's vet, Dr. G. Ayetrak, was also contacted for her views on why Clovis can do what he does. "I really don't know! I think it's amazing myself. I suppose just like there are human prodigies, there might also be canine geniuses as well. All I know is that it's my job to make sure he does it worm free."
Mrs. Stranes denied Clovis had any connection with alien space canines, but is considering making a website for Canby Clovis's clever Crap Circles, which could very well be the finest in the world.
Associated Ridiculous Press --- 1/30/06
copyright, 2005 Linda Hardman
Pet Industry All A-Quiver
BOULDER CREEK, CALIF. -- (ARP) Mrs. Freida Noyze was sitting in her veterinarian's office waiting for her Sheltie, Gabby's, appointment when another client with a cat walked in. Gabby started to shake, rattle, and roll, vibrating like an out of balance washing machine. The office staff, thinking the dog was having a seizure, raced in to help the gyrating animal. Mrs. Noyze immediately picked up her dog, refusing treatment for Gabby, and trying to explain to the staff that Gabby was simply in 'vibrate-mode'.
Rather than shock or spray collars, or drastic surgery, the high-tech industry has applied its talents to come up with another option for owners of gregarious pets. This device attaches to any collar in front of the canine's throat. The small electronic box intercepts the bark command from the brain, and redirects the signal to a chip implanted in the dog's skull. It's called "The Vibra-switch" dog adapter. This is the device that Gabby was wearing at the veterinary office.
Just like cell phones you can turn to vibrate mode when a ringing phone would be inappropriate, you can now switch your dog to vibrate, too! While one must get used to the sight of a dog shimmying like Elvis on speed, it can solve the problem of excess barking in a way that was not available before.
"Oh, I just LOVE this new Vibra-switch dog adapter! With just a push of a button on Gabby's collar, I can now turn her bark off whenever I need to! And, when we're ready to play, I can flick her back to bark-mode at any time!" stated Mrs. Noyze, who has one of the first devices on the market.
While many of the first reports are good, there also seems to be some reports of unusual side effects. Some of these dogs are showing up at clinics with excess hair loss and loosening teeth. While the company, Vibra-Pooch, Inc., feels that these claims are undocumented and unfounded, an investigation into the claims has been initiated.
Along with the alleged side effects , there are also some reports of misuse of the product. For instance, in Redding, California, one dog was confiscated by Animal Control after his owner had reportedly turned the dog on vibrate-mode, strapped him to his body, and kept commanding the dog to repeatedly "speak!".
Despite these possible issues, Vibra-Pooch, Inc. is moving forward to enhance their product. One of the improvements they're working on involves the songs, "The Sound of Music" and "Yankee Doodle Dandy", as new options an owner can choose in addition to the vibrate mode. Where these songs would emanate from, they would not specifically say.
Associated Ridiculous Press -- 4/14/05
copyright, 2005 Linda Hardman
New Yard Service Opens in the Community
PIEDMONT, SC -- (ARP) A brand new yard service is attracting a lot of attention and excitement in the state of South Carolina. "Ericksen's Weed Service" already has received over a hundred calls today after announcing their grand opening, and has a promising future. This isn't the same old kind of yard service. "Ericksen's Weed Service" utilizes specially bred dogs to do the work!
We caught up to Melissa Ericksen, proprietor of this innovative new yard service, and asked her how she came to this line of business.
"My dogs love to nibble on violets and dandelions that come up in the yard. I have one dog who will eat every dandelion flower she can find," stated an exuberant Ms. Eriksen while loving patting her specially bred Pembroke Corgis who still had leaves sticking out of the corners of their mouths.
Calls as far away as New Jersey are coming in for Ms. Eriksen's amazing canine gardeners. A Ms. Sheila Gross has already made reservations for this summer to have her yard cleared, although she's been advised to please have all her cats safely tucked away for that day. There is no guarantee that the Master Gardening Corgis will fully respect the vegetarian lifestyle while working.
Associated Ridiculous Press -- 4/9/05
copyright, 2005 Linda Hardman
New Dog Show Handler/Owner Rescue Assoc. Opens to the Community
LOS ANGELES, Calif. (ARP)-- Looking for someone special to help around the kennel or on dog show trips? Would you like that special companion, who understands, to share your home and life? Why not consider adopting a rescued handler/owner!
The Dog Show Handler/Owner Rescue Association is currently screening families who might be interested in adopting or fostering a handler/owner rescue (or H.O.R.s for short). While there are a great many canine breed rescue organizations in our communities, there has been nothing (until now) to help the displaced, neglected or abandoned handler/owner. The need is greater than ever and the Dog Show H.O.R. Assoc. needs your help to address this growing problem.
Who are the H.O.R.s that need help? Well, we see them every day. Some are lost or abandoned, then picked up in parks attempting to stack squirrels. Others are turned in by parents or spouses who didn't realize how much time, care and responsibility it takes to keep these special H.O.R.s. Often, these H.O.R.s are turned in with their own dogs. A number of H.O.R.s come to us because of bad knees and their families have decided they have outlived their usefulness. Many require medical attention due to years of caring for their dogs, yet neglecting their own diet, exercise and medical care.
Your probably asking yourself right now, "How can I help?" We've prepared some questions to help you decide if you might be a suitable dog show H.O.R. family:
- Do you have a fenced yard?
- Do you mind the smell of liver in the house?
- Do you have a spare RV or Camper?
- Are you able to provide suitable clothing with many pockets?
- Do you have anything that can be groomed (often shag carpeting, stuffed animals or other family members) that can calm eager hands?
- Are you able to listen for hours on end, patiently, and supportively?
- Do you have thousands of extra dollars needed to properly support a dog show H. O. R.?
If you've answered "yes!" to these questions, you may be dog show H.O.R. material!
Adopting a dog show H.O.R. can be a very rewarding experience. They are usually so willing to please, and often are happy with only an occasional class ribbon to play with. They can pick up droppings, are willing to help groom and show your own animals, and already know directions to every fairground and showground in the lower 48 states. They can have vast amounts of knowledge and wisdom that they are willing to impart to anyone who has the patience to listen for hours.... and hours... and hours. While some may need a bit of resocializing, better nutrition and regular exercise, most adjust very well to their new dog show families when given appropriate time, reconditioning, patience and access to liver.
We also get a few breeder/handler/owner rescues (B. H. O. R. s) from time to time. Dog show B.H.O.R.s are often more difficult to place as they are usually alphas and may have a harder time getting along with existing dog show breeders. They tend to be less submissive, and often will try to control the household and existing breeder's program if strong boundaries are not set. There is hope for B.H.O.R.s, though. For those with the experience, extra patience and a strong hand, even dog show B.H.O.R.s can find new and useful lives.
So, if your interested in fostering or adopting either a dog show H.O.R. or B.H.O.R., please contact us. If you are not able to foster or adopt at this time, if you know of a dog show H.O.R. or B.H.O.R. in need of rehoming, or would just like to make a much needed donation, please give us a call at 800-555-HORS! You can also visit one of our Dog Show B.H.O.R.s and H.O.R.s booths located at most, major dog shows.
Associated Ridiculous Press--3/18/05
copyright, 2005 Linda Hardman
Police Find Culprits to Serial-Sucking Attacks
WASCO, Calif. (ARP)--Something bizarre has been stalking the residents in the small community of Wasco, California. The police have been baffled by a number of recent attacks on unsuspecting citizens in their own homes, with the only clue between them all: A weird, sucking sound just prior each attack. These strange attacks have resulted in a number of heart attacks as well as concussions, head and neck trauma. But, a break in the case has finally resulted in another connection, and the solving of the perplexing mystery.
All the victims had one thing in common. Each had brought a new puppy home, recently purchased from local breeder, Mrs. Becca Yiord-Breidre. At first, the connection was overlooked by authorities. Most of the victims could not remember what it was that hit them due to the incapacitation from the injuries suffered. And, in fact, an elderly women even died from a resulting heart attack suffered during one such assault.
Police obtained warrants, and searched Mrs. Yiord-Breidre's home. What they found validated suspicions: A "Home Genetic-Engineering Kit", and several vials marked as Octopus DNA. The FDA ordered a recall of B.I.D. Inc., "Home Genetic-Engineering" kits last year. Apparently, Mrs. Yiord-Breidre had not heeded the warning and continued to use this dangerous product.
Detective Cleaver Mann said that it was actually the bizarre sound just prior to each attack that was the clue that broke the case. Detective Mann then demonstrated for reporters. The detective picked up one of the confiscated puppies and pointed out the tiny suction cups on the bottom of the puppy's feet. He then placed the puppy upside down, against the ceiling. When he let go, and the puppy did not fall, but, amazingly, started to plod, 'thwuck--thwuck--thwuck--thwuck', across the top of the room.
Authorities have now issued a warning to Wasco residents that not all the puppies have been recovered yet. It appears two have escaped into surrounding neighborhoods, and one other puppy was shipped out to an undisclosed buyer. Detectives are currently trying to trace the puppy buyer down, before it's too late. They are warning all new puppy owners to please contact them, and to be on the look out for thwucking puppies.
Associated Ridiculous Press -- 3/15/05
copyright, 2005 Linda Hardman
Terrifying Tangle at Terrier Show
PALMDALE, CALIF. (ARP) -- A case of mistaken identity, and a bad fashion choice, seems to be the cause of a 911 call on Saturday that was received by an emergency services operator. Emergency vehicles were dispatched to the Mojave Terrier Show in Palmdale, after a frantic call from a good Samaritan alerted officials to a woman trapped inside of a dog crate.
Miss Sheila Blundour, had come to the Terrier show on Saturday to look at the Airedales, as she was hopeful to arrange for a puppy with one of the many breeders who had planned to be there. Sheila had hoped that by wearing her black and tan, fuzzy, mohair sweater, she could impress the sincerity of her love for the breed. All went well for Miss Blundour, until she sighted, then eagerly rushed into, the Airedale grooming area.
"I'm still not sure what happened, exactly," Sheila sobbed while she trembled uncontrollably. "I saw all the Airedales and got so excited that I ran right over. The rest is a bit of a blur. I remember hands grabbing me, and tossing me on some sort of a table. But it's when someone put that noose around my neck that I started to get really frightened. I was too terrified to even scream! There were all these hands...oh my lord, so many hands! They were all over me! They had these little knives and were tugging apart my sweater! Suddenly, I was picked up and flung into a large cage, and the door was locked. I...I.. couldn't move hardly at all. I tried to kick at the door, but it was no use! After that, I sort of blacked out and don't remember much," said Miss Blundour, near hysterics again from her hospital bed. She could go no further with the interview as her left eye had developed a pronounced tick, and nurses had to administer more sedatives and asked all reporters to leave.
It appears that a nearby spectator, Mr. Al Gechu, heard Sheila's whimpers and discovered her inside the crate. He attempted to open the door, but it was already bent in such a way from Miss Blundour's attempts to escape, that it was hopelessly jammed. Mr. Gechu made the call to 911, and was there when firemen used the Jaws Of Life to release the hapless, and traumatized woman.
"Well, her sweater looked real nice, but she was in a pretty bad state when they pried her out. She just whimpered a little and stared. They only thing that she reacted to was when they rolled her by a woman who was holding clippers. Then she sort of twitched like she was having a fit or something. I really hope the lady's okay," expressed a concerned Mr. Gechu.
We asked for a statement from the Desert Airedale Terrier club president, a Mr. Wyatt Madders, who was there attending the show and seemed a bit irritated by the whole kerfuffle. While he wouldn't make a comment on the record, we did overhear him complaining about spectators deserving what they get when they wander into grooming areas and interrupt busy exhibitors in the middle of a show.
According to Miss Blundour's attorney, Leigh Galeigole, a lawsuit is being brought against both the Mojave Terrier club and the Desert Airedale Terrier club, for the cost of a mohair sweater, as well as emotional pain and trauma. Charges for assault with a stripping knife and false enkennelment have also been filed with local authorities. A close friend of Miss Blundour told us, however, that she was going to keep her new hairstyle. "It IS so much softer and shapely than it was before," she said with a slight smile.
Associated Ridiculous Press -- 12/2/04
copyright, 2004 Linda Hardman
"NEW DINOSAUR FIND THOUGHT TO BE CANINE MISSING LINK"
TABELBALA, Algeria (ARP) -- Paleontologists announced an amazing discovery made at a dig in western Algeria. It appears they have uncovered a possible missing link between prehistoric reptiles and canines. The news was given at a press conference in the capitol of Algiers, yesterday.
Dr. Digbert Bonapart, Ph.D. of Paleontology at the University of Illinois at Urbana, made the announcement to a flabbergasted scientific community amid much skepticism. Dr. Bonapart unveiled his findings, and displayed the fossilized bones for examination by fellow colleagues who were eager to have a look at them.
"I understand this is going to be hard to accept by some, but the evidence in incontrovertible. We long had thought that dogs had come from wolves, and wolves from small, mammalian creatures. This find is going to cause zoologists and paleontologist to rewrite everything they thought they understood about the evolution of canines on Earth", confided Dr. Bonapart in an exclusive report after the conference.
The new dinosaur specimen has been named, Salukisaurus Rex. It appears to share anatomical traits with both Tyrannosaurus Rex and a present day breed of canine called the Saluki. The Saluki is known for being one of the oldest breeds of dog known, but until now, it was not even guessed at as to just how old. While not as big as the traditional T-Rex, Salukisaurus Rex stood at a respectable height of eight feet tall, and probably weighed around 800 pounds.
"We think he was a pack-hunter as well as a predator-scavenger much like T-Rex. Yet, S-Rex was most certainly lighter and more agile than his North American cousin, enabling him to be much quicker. We still have a lot more study to do on this specimen, which will be sent back to our University this week, " Dr. Bonapart added. "We think this exciting discovery will answer a lot of questions about evolution and the behavior of modern day canines, as well."
Associated Ridiculous Press -- 11/24/04
copyright, 2004 Linda Hardman
"Supported Entry Takes on New Meaning at Dog Show"
SCOTTS VALLEY, CALIF. (ARP)-- New clothing guidelines and restriction against braless, female exhibitors may be seriously considered by many kennel clubs after a pair of separate incidents over the weekend at Histeria Kennel Club dog show in Scotts Valley, Calif..
Mrs. Petunia Slinger, a 53 year old, well endowed woman, is reported to have caused severe injury to a spectator watching ringside when her bra suffered a massive failure while she exhibited her dog before a crowd of enthusiasts. According to reports, Mrs. Slinger's worn bra suddenly snapped with a sound much like a loud crack of a whip. Simultaneously, the over-burdened, 42 DD exploded into the crowd at a tremendous speed, hitting Mr. Reilly Sloe in the face with such force his eye was dislodged. There was the additional confusion as Mr. Sloe's left eye rolled into the nearby Golden Retriever ring where handlers struggled to control their dogs and extricate the eyeball from the Best of Breed's mouth. The eye was recovered by paramedics, but doctors are not hopeful that Mr. Sloe's eyesight can be saved.
Meanwhile, in another ring, Ms. Denise Freilly, a similarly built woman wearing no bra at all, was removed from competition when she smothered her prized, Pomeranian on the examination table to the horror of exhibitors and spectators alike.
"It took us a few minutes to realize what had happened. The dog just disappeared, and it was very confusing. By the time the dog was found, it was too late", offered Anita Tharhapi, clearly traumatized by the ordeal, who was also exhibiting in the same ring.
Last year, several national kennel clubs considered changes to their mandatory dress codes addressing this concern. But, all rule propositions were abandoned after sagging support for the idea. We caught up with Mr. Forrest Detreiz, Vice president of the Histeria Kennel Club, and asked him his opinion of this matter.
Mr. Detreiz expressed his deepest sympathies to all parties affected by these tragic events and told us, "We are trying to stay abreast of the situation as it unfolds. It's obvious we need to swing into action and rein in these issues. We're going to take our case to the national kennel clubs, again. We think they will listen this time because today's events so clearly defines and lifts into public view the need for firmer dress codes and restrictions. We feel it's time the national clubs stop flip-flopping around on this issue and take action."
Associated Ridiculous Press
Linda Hardman
"New Tough Dog Laws Go Into Effect Sept. 1st"
BAKERSFIELD, CA (ARP)-- Kern county is about to start enforcing new, stricter laws for irresponsible pet owners. These new laws are very controversial and being praised by some as finally delivering true justice. Others are condemning the county for being inhumane and barbaric. The changes take effect on September 1st, of this year. The new laws differ in HOW offenders of long standing laws will be dealt with.
Here are a few of the changes that will go into effect. Please check with Animal Control services for all new changes:
1) Pet owners who allow their animals to repeatedly, and continuously, run free, off their own property will be taken into custody, then re-released onto a major, busy freeway. There will be no fines for survivors.
2) Neglect cases will be collared and chained in the Animal Control facility yard for 3 days, and two nights, with 1 days worth of food and water. They will be given an old towel to lay on.
3) Abuse cases will follow an "eye for an eye" strategy. If you kick your dog and break his leg, we will break yours. If you burn your dog with cigarettes, we're going to risk our health and fire up a few on your behalf.
4) If your unspayed or unneutered dog is picked up running free...well, we hope you don't want future children...that is, if you survive the freeway. Other counties will be watching closely to see the effectiveness of the new, tough stand on responsible pet ownership.
Associated Ridiculous Press -- 8/22/04
Linda Hardman
"Research Shows Puppies Cause Brain Damage"
BERKELEY, CALIF. (ARP) -- A joint research project has been underway at the University of California at Berkeley between the Animal Behavior department, and the Psychology department. The research is providing new insights on what causes people to act strangely around puppies.
"It appears that there is a portion of the canine brain that actually emits, and can focus, an electromagnetic field. This field, especially when focused, can shut down or alter certain areas of the human brain. This seems to be an evolutionary development in canines from close contact and the symbiotic relationship between our two species over thousands of years", explains Dr. Brian Proabe, Ph.D., head of the canine/human mind control project at U. C. Berkeley.
Startling data derived from M.R.I.'s of both human and canine volunteers, and electromagnetic experimentation, now proves why humans will often revert to baby talk, discontinue focus on tasks, and suddenly find dog saliva and foul-smelling, canine puppy breath desirable. Symptoms include glazed over eyes, odd cooing noises and, in more extreme cases, even drooling and loss of verbal skills. Puppy Mind Control, or P. M. C., can also cause victims to think destruction of clothing, furniture and other property to be acceptable, and even adorable, when unaffected humans would find this distressing.
Is there anything we can do to combat P. M. C. ? "Yes", answers Dr. Proabe. "We've found that just a simple thing as aluminum foil can block and reflect these focused electromagnetic waves. All puppy shoppers should wear foil, cranial, protective devices before making decisions. And new puppy owners should be prepared to utilize these cranial devices for the first nine months of close contact with their new puppy. This will allow humans to be able to think clearly, be in control of their own minds, and make decisions concerning their puppy unimpeded by P. M. C.. The foil, cranial devices should also decrease spontaneous puppy purchasers who often purchase a puppy while under the puppy's control, then wonder what happened later. The addition of a foil hat for the puppy itself would be an increased measure of safety."
Family models foil, cranial, protective devices
"Study Shows Dogs Manipulate Matter-Energy"
SANTA CRUZ, CA (ARP) -- A new report out of the University of California at Santa Cruz, may prove what has long been suspected: Dogs are truly immovable after achieving rem sleep. The answer to this is attributed to the famous, Albert Einstein's E = mc².
During a fascinating experiment set up by Professor Dean Throteg, careful observations and measurements have shown that dogs can actually draw energy from surrounding matter, causing a loss of mass in the space surrounding the dog, or a relative mass gain. What does this mean? That a canine is able, in essence, to create his own gravity well.
"This conversion of proximal matter to energy, and then to dog energy during rem sleep, is temporary. Upon awakening, the strange energy of surrounding space floods the vacancy and the dog releases it's energy back into the environment over the course of several hours", elaborates Prof. Throteg. "We're very excited about these findings. The ramifications on the science of physics, and it's applications in technology are astounding".
This is why, as all dog owners know, trying to move a dog over on the bed while it's asleep isnearly impossible, but now provable through science. The more energy a specific dog has while awake, the more the effect can be observed while in sleep.
Also, have you ever sworn your dog was just there a moment ago, and wonder where he went, only to reappear a few minutes later when you could not find hide nor hair? Professor Throteg is continuing to conduct further experiments with canines at the University, where he believes it may be possible, with certain breeds, to actually create and eventually harness worm holes into other dimensions.
"This could revolutionize space travel and have immense implications on all of science in general. And to think, it was not humans that harnessed these powers, but simple canines!" adds the excitable professor.
In a side note, Fort Dodge pharmaceuticals is also currently working on a once a month worm-hole preventative to prepare for this inevitability.
Associated Ridiculous Press -- 9/8/04
copyright, 2004 Linda Hardman & Daniel Smith
"New Guinness Book Record Recorded in Fresno"
FRESNO, CA (ARP)-- A new record was set today in Fresno, California, when 262 Whippets were successfully loaded into a 1969, Volkswagen Beetle, breaking the old record of 257 by five dogs, set in 1958.
"The last three were a struggle. They kept squirting out of the bottom of the pile, and we had to keep putting them back into the car", explained an exhausted Lotta Kaynien, after the record was officially recorded by an official from 'Guinness Book of World Records'. Miss Kaynien has been training her special whippets for months. Whippets have a reputation for their "folding" ability.
There was a tense moment as a small fight broke out on the dashboard between three of the extremely, malleable canines. But, it was quickly resolved without injury when quick thinking Lotta dangled a white trashbag over the windshield to distract them. "Yes, that was close! Luckily, we only lost a little upholstery and a radio knob", said a relieved, Miss Kaynien. "After that, it was only a matter of getting them back into their folded, compact position."
Also awarded with a cash prize of $100.00, was Luke E. Gess, who accurately guessed the number of Chihuahuas (122) in a jelly bean jar nearby. The Chihuahua record stands, however, as they had to beat the record of 131, set in 1974.
Associated Ridiculous Press -- 8/21/04
"Best In Dairy, Inc., Offers New Anti-Mooothane Device"
NEW YORK, NY(ARP)-- Methane emissions from farmland animals, mainly dairy or meat cattle, has been a long standing problem for many agricultural facilities and the communities they operate in. A new device, developed by Best In Dairy, Inc., was introduced onto the market this week to address this serious issue and help clear the air.
Best In Dairy, Inc. has named its newest product; The Cowtalytic Converter. It's hoped that this new product, marketed to commercial cattle and dairy farmers, will help elevate the company's reputation after some serious setbacks earlier this year. The company has been suffering damage to its reputation and bottom line due to legal settlements, stemming from the Home Genetic Engineering kits that were recalled earlier this year.
The new product promises a far better reception. This device fits into the posterior end of the cow, held by a lightweight harness. Noxious gasses are passed through the device and cleansed of harmful methane. A handy, baffle system channels the solids and waste into a separate chamber where a catalyst agent treats the urine and manure that produce harmful gasses. The, now inert, gasses are expelled through a kind of snorkel that rises like a periscope from the rear end of the animal, and the solids are released from shoots below. While the device is no larger than a tote bag, the whole assembly may conjure up images of a cow that's been attacked by a Scottish bagpiper.
"With an additional kit, we can also add wonderful scents to the newly processed emissions, like; Rose-bouquet, Spring-Rain, Vanilla bean, Apple pie. We are developing new scent kits as well that may include; Chocolate Cake, Barbecue pit and Cinnamon Buns", enthusiastically explains, Layne Kurdle, C. E. O. of Best in Dairy. "We also have our R & D department looking into adding valves to create musical tones as inert gas is expelled, for those that have a musical attitude toward gaseous emissions."
The company originally developed this product, or one very similar, for their large, canine dairy that the company uses to make gourmet milk and cheese products. So far, that version has been handling the load. While some are calling this new product a load of B. S., others are applauding the new environmental effort. This cross-species venture is a gamble, but one the company is prepared to take at this point to fertilize the future fields of commerce.
Associated Ridiculous Press -- 8/9/04
"The 2004 Dog Show Olympic Games Open!"
SALONIKA, GREECE (ARP)-- The Athens, 2004 Olympic Games have begun! Nations are glued to news coming out of Greece to follow events unfolding at the XXVIII Olympiad in the very place where the history and mythology of the Olympics first started. But, while international, amateur athletes compete in Athens in all the standard events, international athletes are also competing in the Salonika, 2004 Dog Show Olympics, just a short distance away.
In the past, dog showing has often been criticized for not being an actual "sport" by many. However, amateur handlers from all over the world have gathered to compete against each other to be the best of the best, and prove the critics wrong.
"Anyone who has shown dogs in competition knows the strength, stamina, agility and artistic prowess needed to rise to the top. Training for our events takes the utmost dedication and conditioning if we want to excel to get the gold for our country ", a vivacious, Hanna Mebate, tells us.
This year's events have attracted dozens of spectators, and it's promoters are hoping the dog show athletic spirit catches on and will continue to thrill crowds as well as showcase and reward the best dog show athletes our world has to offer. And, it's hard not to get excited when you look at the list of scheduled competitions. Tomorrow's schedule includes these demanding, and long awaited events:
*Mud Jump: After a running start, the athletes must be able to jump a mud pit after hitting a marked, wooden board, while holding a fully groomed, white, toy poodle. Athletes judged on distance and ability to keep dog clean. *Dropping dog, or directly landing in mud is a disqualification.
*500 yard slalom dash: Competitors must run from the a pre-set position at the entrance of one ring, to the entrance of another ring 500 meters away, while weaving through course of flags, and wearing business suits. Fastest time wins. Dislodging flags will earn deductions from total points.
*Olympic speed scooping: Athletes are given standard, metal scoops and 20 gallon buckets, which they must fill to a capacity line within 5 minutes time. Athletes are judged on speed, and final bucket weight. Incomplete picking up of any particular pile can be point deduction.
*Whippet Pull: Athletes are given multiple whippets to hold steady while standing behind a marked, white, foul line. Competition begins when a white, plastic lure bag is released in front of whippets. Athletes must remain upright and behind foul line. Elimination heats start with 5 whippets...top 3 qualifiers advance to 6 whippets. Whippets added until one athlete remains. All athletes must wear protective head gear.
*Kibble putt: Olympic handers are judged on distance they can toss a 40 pound bag of generic kibble from within marked circle.
*500 m chilled semen relay: Team competition: Handling teams must hand off chilled, semen vial to team mates in relay fashion without dropping. Best team time.
*Rhythmic leash gymnastics: Gymnasts compete with two, 6 foot, nylon leashes. They are judged on artistic interpretation, agility, and ability to handle leashes in an artistic way. *Point deductions for tangling leads, or athlete smacking themselves with stainless, steel, metal clip.
*Nail Clipper Cross Country: Athletes are judged on speed, skill and agility in chasing and catching a dog on an obstacle course while holding large nail clippers. Time limit event.
*Show Cart Weight Lifting: Athletes lift loaded show carts starting at 100 pounds, qualifying weight. Weight is increased by 20 pounds each elimination round until highest show cart weight is reached by competitors. Athletes must show full extension over head.*Point deduction for any dropped equipment from carts.
*Ring Entry Sumo Wrestling: Athletes must be able to push competitor out of the show ring entrance square while holding a show dog on lead. *Dog must not touch competitor or disqualification. Heavy point deductions for torn clothing.
*Stroller vault: While holding toy breed dog of choice in arms, athletes must run and, with use of spring board, vault over stroller. Points decided on difficulty level, aerial acrobatic skill and ability to land upright and not drop dog. *Heavy deductions for dropping dogs.
As with the standard Olympics, all athletes are amateur in status. Professionals are not allowed to compete in the games. However, the coaching staffs from the individual countries look like the who's who in pro-handling.
The skilled and lucky amateurs that do receive gold can look forward to lucrative endorsement offers from large companies like Eukanuba, Foster & Smith as well as a shot to get their picture on Milk Bone boxes for posterity. All of dogdom awaits with baited breath.
Associated Ridiculous Press -- 8/17/04
"New Designer Dog Food to Hit Market"
AUSTIN, TX (ARP)-- The specialty dog food market is a fast growing industry. Americans spend millions each year on 'boutique' pet foods for their best friends and favorite canines. Jumping into this endless ocean of designer kibble is a newcomer with the latest addition to the list called, "Real Dogs" dog food, straight out of Austin, Texas.
The marketer of this new food is betting that the dogs can finally have their way and get the flavors that THEY really want. Any dog owner can tell you that dogs are attracted to very interesting, if not provocative tastes, that their humans counterparts don't always share.
"As long as dog food has been around, it's all had flavors that humans tend to hanker. We reckon that the dogs are the best judge of just what flavors they want in their food, and we're gonna give it to 'em. Our food is all naturally balanced, healthy, and made from the highest quality ingredients. It's the added flavor enhancements that set our food apart, and we guarantee ya'lls ogs are going to love these", boasted Ralph Tittup, inventor and owner of "Real Dogs" dog food.
The new "Real Dogs" flavors include these doggie favorites:
Kitty Litter Crunchies
Road Apple Delight
Old Sock of my Heart
Dog Butt with Gravy
Fish Gut Stew
Garbage Can Extravaganza
Fresh Diaper of the Day
Cat
The eyebrow raising flavors offered are certainly not something humans will be serving up to guests anytime soon; unless of course their guests are of the four-legged type. But, in taste tests, the dogs have given these new foods two-dewclaws up. Is your dog a "Real Dog"?
Associated Ridiculous Press -- 8/15/04
"Notice Of Recall"
EUROPA,JUPITER(ARP)-- An advisory bulletin has been received from the home world. The Europan Host Body Regulatory Administration is issuing a recall for all human host bodies issued to tourists, arriving at the planet Earth between the years of 1944 to 1964.
Apparently, defective host bodies were issued in error. The defects range from faulty joint construction, to bugs in the programming causing many areas of the host body (posterior, hips, thighs & waist)to enlarge beyond normal parameters without warning. These particular models have repeatedly malfunctioned before the 60 year warranty and need to be returned, and new human host bodies issued.
Please bring your H.H.B. receipt with you to the Host Body regulatory center. The exchange and custom tailoring process should only take about 24 hours (Eastern Europan Time). All Earth vacationers who remember to wear their free, souvenir, tin foil hats will receive a free Cassini tote bag. Free shuttles from Earth upon request, and you may be returned to Earth, free of charge, to finish the rest of your comedy entertainment.
Associated Ridiculous Press -- 8/14/04
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