"New Evidence Emerges about Nazca Plateau Geoglyphs"
LIMA,
PERU (ARP)-- Archeologists are working feverishly
on the Nazca Plateau after finding evidence of previously
unknown tunnels directly beneath the famous Nazca
geoglyphic lines and earth drawings. Each tunnel runs
directly below each line explaining the depressions
and designs above ground. These lines have always
been thought to have been left by the ancient people
of the Nazca tribe at least 1,500 years ago.
Dr.
Charles Diggley discovered the tunnels while doing
a survey in the area to hopefully uncover, and understand
better, the ancient village sites of the mysterious
Nazcas. What he found, instead, has the Archeological
Science community on it's ear.
After
Dr. Diggley's team started to excavate the very primitive,
ancient tunnels, they came upon remains....but not
of Nazcans. After sending the bones in for DNA testing,
and and to be studied by top scientific experts, they
were told they found remains of dogs; a breed known
as Salukis, to be exact.
"We
are not really sure how to explain this right now,
but the evidence is very clear and contradicts everything
we thought we knew about who made these lines. The
marks on the excavated tunnel walls do, exactly, match
the feet and structure of the dog remains found in
the tunnels. These tunnels go on for hundreds of yards,
in some cases. This is most extraordinary!",
explained a very excited Dr. Diggley.
What
does it mean? Science is still debating that now.
If ancient Salukis did create the lines in the Nazca
Plateau, the next question is, "why"? Were
these dogs trained to dig? Were the designs created
by the canines themselves? How did Salukis, a middle-eastern
dog, end up in Peru 1,500 years ago? The more Archeologist
discover, the more perplexing it is.
Several
new projects are set to commence in coming months
at the Nazca plateau, and other geoglyphic sites across
the globe. "We need to re-examine other sites,
including the newer crop circles that have been appearing
in England and North America. We think there might
be a previously, overlooked connection to nearby Saluki
kennels and pet homes", Dr. Diggley added before
returning to his work.
Associated
Ridiculous Press-- 8/8/04
"First Ever All-Mime Dog Show"
LOS
ANGELES, CALIF. (ARP)-- The first all-mime kennel
club opened it's doors, and premiered its first show
last weekend. While there were lots of handlers, only
mime-dogs are required, and good handling is a plus.
More and more show grounds are expected to go to this
venue since there is very little grounds cleanup required
after the show packs up. The mimes are very tidy with
their dogs, picking up anything their dogs leave behind.
The grooming areas were spotless, and most hotels
were open to allowing mime-dogs, as long as they were
in mime-crates. The various clubs have very little
overhead as well. While they do have to hire mime-judges
and rent grounds, the equipment, trophy and ribbon
costs are very minimal.
Mr. Hanly Bocks, President of Mime Dog Kennel Club
(M.D.K.C.), told us, " ", and then added
" ", before attending to his new, and exciting
duties as official chairperson of their first show.
He was very proud, and ran around juggling many duties.
When asked where he hoped the future of this new sport
was heading, he replied, " ", with much
enthusiasm.
The show was very interesting to watch. But, one has
to get used to the mime-chairs for seating. Many found
them uncomfortable and left early. Food was an issue,
too. Although there were many vendors, all of it was
rather tasteless, and not very filling. There were
also several incidents of officials having to let
handlers out of boxes. But, for the most part, the
dogs were extremely well behaved. The only mime-dog
related event was when a mime-dog got out of his pen
for a bit, and dragged a mime-handler across a ring
by the pant leg. The dog was later caught when he
wandered into an abandoned box.
Best In Show was awarded to a, um...well, a large.....about
4 hands long and 5 hands tall, mime dog with perfect
gait. However, not everyone was happy about the judging.
Mrs. Emma Wockin, complained to us, in a most gesticulatory
way, that she felt the judges only looked at faces.
We noticed that these shows may have one more serious
drawback. When the wind came up suddenly, during the
(we think) terrier group, all the handlers released
their mime-dogs, faced into the wind, and began to
walk in place. Amazingly, all these dogs were so well
trained that not one left during this spectacle. However,
the club may wish to schedule their events at inside
venues in the future.
Associated Ridiculous Press -- 8/6/04
"Local Kennel Owner Sues over Abbreviated Name"
SANTA
FE, NM (ARP)-- When Mrs. Ima M. Hocksy , owner of
Horus Kennel of Santa Fe, New Mexico, sent the registration
and check for her new puppy, Bigley's Fatima of Horus,
she had no idea she would be involved in a lawsuit
many months later with the North American Kennel Club,
after the organization failed to even return her letters
and phone calls.
The N.A.K.C. apparently had put in place a new rule
about registered names not being any more than 10
letters and spaces. "We felt the names were getting
too long and out of hand. This was costing our organization
a lot of money. We also installed new software that
would automatically shorten names if one was submitted
on a registration exceeding the 10 space rule. All
this was outlined on the bottom of the form. We can't
baby-sit every person who doesn't take the time to
read through the forms. Mrs. Hocksy has always been
free to send in another $35 and request a name change."
says Mr. Greedly of the N.A.K.C., at a press conference
on Tuesday.
Simon Reemdem, attorney for Ima Hocksy, told us that
his client should not have to pay another $35 to the
N.A.K.C.. And they should not have to accept the horrible,
registered name that the N.A.K.C.'s new computer selected
for their puppy, Fatima.
"Our clients paid for, 'Bigley's Fatima of Horus'.
There is no way our clients can live with a puppy
registered as "Big Fat Ho". We're sticking
to our guns, here."
Associated Ridiculous Press -- 8/4/04
"New Condition Plagues Hiking
EnThusiasts"
CAMBRIDGE,
MA (ARP)--This is Bill. Bill has a problem. Bill is
plagued by the condition called "Bare Behind
Syndrome". This perplexing syndrome is baffling
psychologists and outdoor sportsmen alike. Dr. James
Von Schrincher, at the Harvard University Department
of Psychology, explains what they have found out about
this newest, strange disorder.
"It seems to start with the simple, insecurity
complex that is quite common these days", states
Dr. Von Schrincher, "and then an event triggers
the onset of this syndrome, usually a ripped pair
of pants that go unnoticed until someone shouts to
the individual that they have a bare behind. For people
who enjoy outdoor activities in the more wild areas
of our world, this is a shock to the subconscious.
The suggestion is then implanted and a neurosis develops.
With each repeated incident, paranoia takes over and,
if the condition progresses without treatment, can
advance itself into a full fledged psychosis. In extreme
cases, the individual's subconscious will actually
manifest an actual bear following them wherever they
go."
Like Bill above, many of these extreme cases lead
a horrible existence, being ostracized from society,
barred from restaurants and shops, and shunned by
friends and family. Thanks to Harvard University's
research, people, like Bill, are getting the treatment
they need. More research needs to be done, however.
While Harvard University has received a government
grant to do more studies on this growing problem,
donations from public and private businesses and agencies
are greatly appreciated.
The Department of Psychology is hosting a charity
banquet to help raise money and help Bill and people
like Bill. For charity tickets, please contact Dr.
James Von Schrincher directly at the University, or
go to BASS tickets and type in "Bill's Bear Behind
Banquet."
Associated Ridiculous Press -- 8/2/04
Photo Credit: ©Rod Begbie
"Two Injured, One Hospitalized in Vicious, Wet, Weasel Attack"
BEAR
VALLEY SPRINGS, CA (ARP)-- At 5:42 p.m., a call came
into the local police department about a disturbance
in the Bear Valley Springs suburb in the Tehachapi
area. Police were dispatched. When police arrived
they found about 20 people, some dancing, trying to
revive Mrs. Lynette Harding after an, apparently,
vicious weasel attack.
After much questioning, the police think they know
what happened. Mrs. Harding, who raises purebred dogs,
allegedly came across a weasel in her dog yard who
refused to vacate a gopher hole. Not wanting her dogs
to hurt, or be hurt by the weasel, she put the dogs
inside the house. On the advice of a friend, Mrs.
Harding then attempted to put a hose down the gopher
hole and flood the creature out and drive it off.
However, after turning on the water the, then wet
and angry weasel, flew immediately out of the hole
in a panicked state, ran up Mrs. Harding's leg and
into her
t-shirt. According to Mrs. Harding's children, she
then ran screaming and flailing for help to the neighbors
across the street, who were in the process of a large
summer barbecue.
"We thought it was a new dance! She was yipping
and hollering 'WEASEL' and dancing around so we joined
in!", explained Mr. Stephen Steppenfue, who was
a guest at the party directly across the street. "Then
we heard old Roy start screaming. I guess the weasel
jumped off of her and went after him. Luckily, he
latched on to Roy's Rattlesnake skin belt instead
of anything else. He was lucky."
Mrs. Emma Plumsuque made the call to police. "I
thought the party had gotten out of hand. When I saw
everyone dancing in the street and screaming, I had
enough and called police. It looked barbaric the way
they were jumping around, gyrating and ripping off
their clothes. I mean, that's no way for civilized
people to behave."
Officer Frank Raudemup called an ambulance upon finding
the injured people and both were taken to Tehachapi
Community Hospital. Mrs. Harding is in fair condition,
and her neighbor was released with minor injuries.
Both will have to receive a series of rabies shots
as the wet, angry weasel was not apprehended, and
still on the loose.
Police are asking residents to please call them if
they see any damp weasels in or around the area, especially
if wearing a rattlesnake belt.
Associated Ridiculous Press -- 7/30/04
"USDA Makes Stink About New Product"
NEW
YORK, NY (ARP)--In the financial market, 'Best In
Dairy, Inc.', the company that specializes in canine
milk and gourmet cheese products, is back in the news.
This time stocks have plummeted as the company announced
that it's new giftware product, "Sheeat-Pets",
was halted by the USDA. This recycled product was
meant to go onto shelves in time for holiday shoppers,
but now will have to be bagged.
"We, of course, are terribly disappointed by
the move", said CEO, Layne Kurdle. "Our
marketing department said this new product would do
so well with environmentally conscious consumers.
One of the properties of dairy dog droppings is it's
ability to get fuzzy when kept moist. We had a whole
line of Sheeat-Pet dogs in every breed from short
to long coated. Since we already had a dairy barn
full of bitches making our milk products, we already
had the raw material to create this new product line.
The profit margin would have created incredible dividends
for our shareholders. Obviously, we will now have
to go back to the drawing board on our giftware line."
Investors were dumping B.I.D. stocks on the exchange
as fast as they could sell them. While this company
literally scooped up the market and experts thought
they had it in the bag, but they seem to have taken
a terrible crap-shoot and may end up in the bin themselves.
Associated Ridiculous Press --7/29/04
"Bizarre
Cult has members in Hospital"
BAKERSFIELD,
CALIF. (ARP)-- Kern County General has alerted authorities
to an alarming rise in the rate of gastric disorder
patients admitted in the last few weeks. The drastic
rise seems to be traced to the members of a new cult
only just discovered living somewhere in a secret
commune in the near by mountains.
Cult members apparently believe that the highly touted
natural dog food diet called the B.A.R.F. diet (Bones
and raw food) is good for humans as well. Members
believe that the BARF diet is not only the way to
better health, but a spiritual path as well.
"We're seeing so many cases of E. coli, salmonella
and other dangerous gastric disorders we can hardly
keep up with admittance. They all have very nice teeth,
though, " states admitting nurse, Emma Schotz,
who works to keep up with the higher rate of incoming
patients.
Authorities are struggling to find the location of
this cult, but so far the members refuse to disclose
the site. "We've been trying to track large shipments
of beef marrow and knuckle bones as well as chicken
parts to see if there's an abnormal pattern of parts
going somewhere", says County Sheriff's deputy,
Earl Kuffum. "We think they may have their own
cattle herd and flocks of chickens. We're looking
for any one with suspiciously glossy hair, clean teeth
and soiled pants."
Associated Ridiculous Press --7/28/04
"Woman Arrested at Local Dog Show"
BUGTUSSLE,
TX (APR)--Local police were called to the county fairgrounds
this last weekend after 911 calls about a woman brandishing
a gun in a threateningly manner at the dog show.
Mrs.
Eloise Kreiton was subdued quickly and taken into
custody after a brief scuffle. Apparently the exhibitor
misread a dog show fashion article which stated that
it was all right to bare arms at summertime shows.
The article was referring to sleeveless tops and dresses.
Mrs. Kreiton took its meaning differently and showed
up at ringside complete with holster and fire arm.
When dog show officials asked her to remove the gun,
or leave the grounds the trouble started.
"The woman was out of her mind. She kept going
on and on about having it up to here with over angulation
and judges who look at faces instead of dogs"
stated Freda Fuefue who witnessed the scene from the
nearby afghan ring. According to reports, Mrs. Kreiton
actually pointed her gun at a judge and shouted "Your
looking at me now, aren't you!" and kept proclaiming
her right to have the gun at the show...because she
read it in the magazine.
Mrs. Kreiton is currently in observation at a nearby
psychiatric hospital. Her dogs were taken by a friend
and are being cared for. The American Kennel Club
has fined Mrs. Kreiton for unsportsman like conduct
and reminds all exhibitors that sleeveless attire
is fine, but firearms are not recommended in the ring.
The A.K.C. is working on plans now to have exhibitors
frisked before entering competition.
Associated Ridiculous Press -- 7/28/04
"New
Company Amazes Wall Street"
NEW
YORK, NY (ARP)-- Wall Street is all a flutter today
as shares of a new dairy company skyrocket. This new
company, Best In Dairy, Inc., headquartered in the
midwest, is doing a booming business and revolutionizing
the dairy industry. They market canine dairy products,
and have, so far, been a huge hit to consumers across
the country.
"We
have custom milks and cheeses from Beagle to Afghan,
available to our customers," explains Layne Kurdle,
CEO of Best In Dairy, Inc.. "Our bed and bath
division is doing equally well with our newest product,
'Alpha-Bitch Bath Beads', selling very well in it's
first quarter.
The
latest boom for the company is word that their research
and development is going into the health and fitness
areas, now. Products that they are working on include
'Hair-On-A-Doorknob' shampoo that might give Rogaine
a run for it's money, 'Sighthound Sleek'; a new weight
loss supplement which is made from Saluki milk, and
"Border Collie Drops" for extra energy throughout
the day.
Mr.
Kurdle added, "We still have some bugs to work
out on some of this. For instance, while the energy
drink does actually work, the neighboring farms have
been complaining that our testers are trespassing
and bothering livestock when released from the labs.
We hope to have these issues worked out shortly."
Associated
Ridiculous Press -- 7/27/04
"Help for Firefighters on the Way"
LIVERMORE, Calif. (ARP) ... Researchers today revealed new findings in improved fire fighting techniques today in Livermore, Calif.. In a Press conference, they announced a new fire retardant that is far improved over currently used substances.
"Dog saliva has proved in testing, time and time again, to be a superior weapon in fire fighting" said Dr. Salvidor Driplip, Ph.D., of the California Fire Fighting Research Laboratories in Pleasanton, Calif.. Scientist set up a demonstration for reporters using a Mastiff. In a controlled parking lot area, they rolled out several trees in planters and lit them on fire. Each was 20-30 feet apart. The Mastiff, Rudy, then was led to the center and on command, shook heavily, extinguishing all trees instantly.
"It's
absolutely miraculous! This will change fire fighting
forever! Not only does it smother and extinguish fires
but sticks to everything as an improved retardant
with staying power!", Dr. Driplip explained.
Scientist envision every helicopter and fire fighting
plane equipped with large dogs, like Rudy, in the
near future.
While
most were excited about the new findings by researchers,
PETA demonstrators picketed out in front of the facility
carrying signs saying "DROOL IS CRUEL",
but were not allowed to enter.
Released by Associated Ridiculous Press, 7/22/04