Showdogs-L is proud to exhibit press releases from the Associated Ridiculous Press. This is the brainchild and creation of list member Linda Hardman. Any material found on this page is exclusively controlled by Linda Hardman. All material on this page is copyrighted. Do not reproduce or copy any portion of this page without written permission from the author.

State of California Vs. Church of the Holy Down & Back

New Evidence Emerges about Nazca Plateau Geoglyphs

First Ever All-Mime Dog Show

Local Kennel Owner Sues Over Abbreviated Name

New Condition Plagues Hiking EnThusiasts

Two Injured, One Hospitalized in Vicious, Wet, Weasel Attack

USDA Makes Stink About New Product

Bizarre Cult has members in Hospital

Woman Arrested at Local Dog Show

New Company Amazes Wall Street

Help for Firefighters on the Way

"State of California Vs. Church of the Holy Down & Back"
SACRAMENTO, CALIF (ARP)--  On Friday, the California Supreme court heard the fifth day of testimony in, what's now being called, the Dog Show Church trial.  In what's been described as a media dog and pony show, testimony for the defense has ended.  Judge Thera Peale has recessed court until Monday when attorneys for both sides of the debate return for closing statements.
     The controversial case stems from a group calling themselves "The Church of the Holy Down and Back", who claim that they are a church under the laws of state and federal guidelines. As such, they feel they are entitled to tax exempt status. The Church, basically, claims dog showing as a religion.
     "We meet every weekend under the guidance of our ministers. Our rituals involve attending services well dressed, and giving offerings of meats to the sacred ones. We honor those of our flock that follow the doctrine and teachings with bits of blessed cloth. Sinners are disqualified and sent to repent outside the ring of judgment. We have fellowship and community. We even have a youth program. We do qualify as a religion under the standards the state has set down", explains Carl Lupehoal, alleged spiritual leader of the self-proclaimed church.  "Yes, our members can write off ceremonial donations and other contributions to the church. Our church can claim non-profit religious status without paying taxes. But, every other church does this, why should our members be discriminated against?"
     The state of California franchise board has a different take on the organization. The state claims that Mr. Lupehoal and his congregation, or kennel club, are only trying to avoid paying taxes, and illegally write off hobby expenses passing them off as charitable contributions. The state also contends that the 'ceremonial donations' are actually dog show entry fees; the ministers are only judges and the youth education program is nothing more than junior handling. The state has presented its case, asserting that the whole thing is a scam, and the organization and its members are all guilty of fraud and failure to pay state taxes. The prosecution brought evidence before the court that to qualify as a religion, one must have a superhuman power at its core. The state of California does not believe canines qualify, albeit, they are not human.
     What will the jury decide? There are those that would point out that many ancient civilizations worshipped dog-gods. Some might consider this as a test of freedom of religion in our country. Many believe as the state of California, that the whole thing is a giant, legal handling trick and that these people should be culled, or at the very least, kept on a short leash. Whether the state of California rules for the Church of the Holy Down and Back or not, we have been told by some of its followers that the church will continue to operate, whether tax exempt or not. Its members say they will be dressing up, driving hundreds of miles on Sunday, and running around in circles with liver in their pockets.  The American Kennel Club is following this case closely.
Associated Ridiculous Press -- 8/13/04


"New Evidence Emerges about Nazca Plateau Geoglyphs"

LIMA, PERU (ARP)-- Archeologists are working feverishly on the Nazca Plateau after finding evidence of previously unknown tunnels directly beneath the famous Nazca geoglyphic lines and earth drawings. Each tunnel runs directly below each line explaining the depressions and designs above ground. These lines have always been thought to have been left by the ancient people of the Nazca tribe at least 1,500 years ago.

Dr. Charles Diggley discovered the tunnels while doing a survey in the area to hopefully uncover, and understand better, the ancient village sites of the mysterious Nazcas. What he found, instead, has the Archeological Science community on it's ear.

After Dr. Diggley's team started to excavate the very primitive, ancient tunnels, they came upon remains....but not of Nazcans. After sending the bones in for DNA testing, and and to be studied by top scientific experts, they were told they found remains of dogs; a breed known as Salukis, to be exact.

"We are not really sure how to explain this right now, but the evidence is very clear and contradicts everything we thought we knew about who made these lines. The marks on the excavated tunnel walls do, exactly, match the feet and structure of the dog remains found in the tunnels. These tunnels go on for hundreds of yards, in some cases. This is most extraordinary!", explained a very excited Dr. Diggley.

What does it mean? Science is still debating that now. If ancient Salukis did create the lines in the Nazca Plateau, the next question is, "why"? Were these dogs trained to dig? Were the designs created by the canines themselves? How did Salukis, a middle-eastern dog, end up in Peru 1,500 years ago? The more Archeologist discover, the more perplexing it is.

Several new projects are set to commence in coming months at the Nazca plateau, and other geoglyphic sites across the globe. "We need to re-examine other sites, including the newer crop circles that have been appearing in England and North America. We think there might be a previously, overlooked connection to nearby Saluki kennels and pet homes", Dr. Diggley added before returning to his work.

Associated Ridiculous Press-- 8/8/04

"First Ever All-Mime Dog Show"

LOS ANGELES, CALIF. (ARP)-- The first all-mime kennel club opened it's doors, and premiered its first show last weekend. While there were lots of handlers, only mime-dogs are required, and good handling is a plus.

More and more show grounds are expected to go to this venue since there is very little grounds cleanup required after the show packs up. The mimes are very tidy with their dogs, picking up anything their dogs leave behind. The grooming areas were spotless, and most hotels were open to allowing mime-dogs, as long as they were in mime-crates. The various clubs have very little overhead as well. While they do have to hire mime-judges and rent grounds, the equipment, trophy and ribbon costs are very minimal.

Mr. Hanly Bocks, President of Mime Dog Kennel Club (M.D.K.C.), told us, " ", and then added " ", before attending to his new, and exciting duties as official chairperson of their first show. He was very proud, and ran around juggling many duties. When asked where he hoped the future of this new sport was heading, he replied, " ", with much enthusiasm.

The show was very interesting to watch. But, one has to get used to the mime-chairs for seating. Many found them uncomfortable and left early. Food was an issue, too. Although there were many vendors, all of it was rather tasteless, and not very filling. There were also several incidents of officials having to let handlers out of boxes. But, for the most part, the dogs were extremely well behaved. The only mime-dog related event was when a mime-dog got out of his pen for a bit, and dragged a mime-handler across a ring by the pant leg. The dog was later caught when he wandered into an abandoned box.

Best In Show was awarded to a, um...well, a large.....about 4 hands long and 5 hands tall, mime dog with perfect gait. However, not everyone was happy about the judging. Mrs. Emma Wockin, complained to us, in a most gesticulatory way, that she felt the judges only looked at faces.

We noticed that these shows may have one more serious drawback. When the wind came up suddenly, during the (we think) terrier group, all the handlers released their mime-dogs, faced into the wind, and began to walk in place. Amazingly, all these dogs were so well trained that not one left during this spectacle. However, the club may wish to schedule their events at inside venues in the future.

Associated Ridiculous Press -- 8/6/04





"Local Kennel Owner Sues over Abbreviated Name"

SANTA FE, NM (ARP)-- When Mrs. Ima M. Hocksy , owner of Horus Kennel of Santa Fe, New Mexico, sent the registration and check for her new puppy, Bigley's Fatima of Horus, she had no idea she would be involved in a lawsuit many months later with the North American Kennel Club, after the organization failed to even return her letters and phone calls.

The N.A.K.C. apparently had put in place a new rule about registered names not being any more than 10 letters and spaces. "We felt the names were getting too long and out of hand. This was costing our organization a lot of money. We also installed new software that would automatically shorten names if one was submitted on a registration exceeding the 10 space rule. All this was outlined on the bottom of the form. We can't baby-sit every person who doesn't take the time to read through the forms. Mrs. Hocksy has always been free to send in another $35 and request a name change." says Mr. Greedly of the N.A.K.C., at a press conference on Tuesday.

Simon Reemdem, attorney for Ima Hocksy, told us that his client should not have to pay another $35 to the N.A.K.C.. And they should not have to accept the horrible, registered name that the N.A.K.C.'s new computer selected for their puppy, Fatima.

"Our clients paid for, 'Bigley's Fatima of Horus'. There is no way our clients can live with a puppy registered as "Big Fat Ho". We're sticking to our guns, here."

Associated Ridiculous Press -- 8/4/04

"New Condition Plagues Hiking EnThusiasts"

CAMBRIDGE, MA (ARP)--This is Bill. Bill has a problem. Bill is plagued by the condition called "Bare Behind Syndrome". This perplexing syndrome is baffling psychologists and outdoor sportsmen alike. Dr. James Von Schrincher, at the Harvard University Department of Psychology, explains what they have found out about this newest, strange disorder.

"It seems to start with the simple, insecurity complex that is quite common these days", states Dr. Von Schrincher, "and then an event triggers the onset of this syndrome, usually a ripped pair of pants that go unnoticed until someone shouts to the individual that they have a bare behind. For people who enjoy outdoor activities in the more wild areas of our world, this is a shock to the subconscious. The suggestion is then implanted and a neurosis develops. With each repeated incident, paranoia takes over and, if the condition progresses without treatment, can advance itself into a full fledged psychosis. In extreme cases, the individual's subconscious will actually manifest an actual bear following them wherever they go."

Like Bill above, many of these extreme cases lead a horrible existence, being ostracized from society, barred from restaurants and shops, and shunned by friends and family. Thanks to Harvard University's research, people, like Bill, are getting the treatment they need. More research needs to be done, however. While Harvard University has received a government grant to do more studies on this growing problem, donations from public and private businesses and agencies are greatly appreciated.

The Department of Psychology is hosting a charity banquet to help raise money and help Bill and people like Bill. For charity tickets, please contact Dr. James Von Schrincher directly at the University, or go to BASS tickets and type in "Bill's Bear Behind Banquet."

Associated Ridiculous Press -- 8/2/04
Photo Credit: ©Rod Begbie





"Two Injured, One Hospitalized in Vicious, Wet, Weasel Attack"

BEAR VALLEY SPRINGS, CA (ARP)-- At 5:42 p.m., a call came into the local police department about a disturbance in the Bear Valley Springs suburb in the Tehachapi area. Police were dispatched. When police arrived they found about 20 people, some dancing, trying to revive Mrs. Lynette Harding after an, apparently, vicious weasel attack.

After much questioning, the police think they know what happened. Mrs. Harding, who raises purebred dogs, allegedly came across a weasel in her dog yard who refused to vacate a gopher hole. Not wanting her dogs to hurt, or be hurt by the weasel, she put the dogs inside the house. On the advice of a friend, Mrs. Harding then attempted to put a hose down the gopher hole and flood the creature out and drive it off. However, after turning on the water the, then wet and angry weasel, flew immediately out of the hole in a panicked state, ran up Mrs. Harding's leg and into her t-shirt. According to Mrs. Harding's children, she then ran screaming and flailing for help to the neighbors across the street, who were in the process of a large summer barbecue.

"We thought it was a new dance! She was yipping and hollering 'WEASEL' and dancing around so we joined in!", explained Mr. Stephen Steppenfue, who was a guest at the party directly across the street. "Then we heard old Roy start screaming. I guess the weasel jumped off of her and went after him. Luckily, he latched on to Roy's Rattlesnake skin belt instead of anything else. He was lucky."

Mrs. Emma Plumsuque made the call to police. "I thought the party had gotten out of hand. When I saw everyone dancing in the street and screaming, I had enough and called police. It looked barbaric the way they were jumping around, gyrating and ripping off their clothes. I mean, that's no way for civilized people to behave."

Officer Frank Raudemup called an ambulance upon finding the injured people and both were taken to Tehachapi Community Hospital. Mrs. Harding is in fair condition, and her neighbor was released with minor injuries. Both will have to receive a series of rabies shots as the wet, angry weasel was not apprehended, and still on the loose.

Police are asking residents to please call them if they see any damp weasels in or around the area, especially if wearing a rattlesnake belt.

Associated Ridiculous Press -- 7/30/04






"USDA Makes Stink About New Product"

NEW YORK, NY (ARP)--In the financial market, 'Best In Dairy, Inc.', the company that specializes in canine milk and gourmet cheese products, is back in the news. This time stocks have plummeted as the company announced that it's new giftware product, "Sheeat-Pets", was halted by the USDA. This recycled product was meant to go onto shelves in time for holiday shoppers, but now will have to be bagged.

"We, of course, are terribly disappointed by the move", said CEO, Layne Kurdle. "Our marketing department said this new product would do so well with environmentally conscious consumers. One of the properties of dairy dog droppings is it's ability to get fuzzy when kept moist. We had a whole line of Sheeat-Pet dogs in every breed from short to long coated. Since we already had a dairy barn full of bitches making our milk products, we already had the raw material to create this new product line. The profit margin would have created incredible dividends for our shareholders. Obviously, we will now have to go back to the drawing board on our giftware line."

Investors were dumping B.I.D. stocks on the exchange as fast as they could sell them. While this company literally scooped up the market and experts thought they had it in the bag, but they seem to have taken a terrible crap-shoot and may end up in the bin themselves.

Associated Ridiculous Press --7/29/04






"Bizarre Cult has members in Hospital"

BAKERSFIELD, CALIF. (ARP)-- Kern County General has alerted authorities to an alarming rise in the rate of gastric disorder patients admitted in the last few weeks. The drastic rise seems to be traced to the members of a new cult only just discovered living somewhere in a secret commune in the near by mountains.

Cult members apparently believe that the highly touted natural dog food diet called the B.A.R.F. diet (Bones and raw food) is good for humans as well. Members believe that the BARF diet is not only the way to better health, but a spiritual path as well.

"We're seeing so many cases of E. coli, salmonella and other dangerous gastric disorders we can hardly keep up with admittance. They all have very nice teeth, though, " states admitting nurse, Emma Schotz, who works to keep up with the higher rate of incoming patients.

Authorities are struggling to find the location of this cult, but so far the members refuse to disclose the site. "We've been trying to track large shipments of beef marrow and knuckle bones as well as chicken parts to see if there's an abnormal pattern of parts going somewhere", says County Sheriff's deputy, Earl Kuffum. "We think they may have their own cattle herd and flocks of chickens. We're looking for any one with suspiciously glossy hair, clean teeth and soiled pants."

Associated Ridiculous Press --7/28/04






"Woman Arrested at Local Dog Show"

BUGTUSSLE, TX (APR)--Local police were called to the county fairgrounds this last weekend after 911 calls about a woman brandishing a gun in a threateningly manner at the dog show.

Mrs. Eloise Kreiton was subdued quickly and taken into custody after a brief scuffle. Apparently the exhibitor misread a dog show fashion article which stated that it was all right to bare arms at summertime shows. The article was referring to sleeveless tops and dresses. Mrs. Kreiton took its meaning differently and showed up at ringside complete with holster and fire arm. When dog show officials asked her to remove the gun, or leave the grounds the trouble started.

"The woman was out of her mind. She kept going on and on about having it up to here with over angulation and judges who look at faces instead of dogs" stated Freda Fuefue who witnessed the scene from the nearby afghan ring. According to reports, Mrs. Kreiton actually pointed her gun at a judge and shouted "Your looking at me now, aren't you!" and kept proclaiming her right to have the gun at the show...because she read it in the magazine.

Mrs. Kreiton is currently in observation at a nearby psychiatric hospital. Her dogs were taken by a friend and are being cared for. The American Kennel Club has fined Mrs. Kreiton for unsportsman like conduct and reminds all exhibitors that sleeveless attire is fine, but firearms are not recommended in the ring. The A.K.C. is working on plans now to have exhibitors frisked before entering competition.

Associated Ridiculous Press -- 7/28/04






"New Company Amazes Wall Street"

NEW YORK, NY (ARP)-- Wall Street is all a flutter today as shares of a new dairy company skyrocket. This new company, Best In Dairy, Inc., headquartered in the midwest, is doing a booming business and revolutionizing the dairy industry. They market canine dairy products, and have, so far, been a huge hit to consumers across the country.

"We have custom milks and cheeses from Beagle to Afghan, available to our customers," explains Layne Kurdle, CEO of Best In Dairy, Inc.. "Our bed and bath division is doing equally well with our newest product, 'Alpha-Bitch Bath Beads', selling very well in it's first quarter.

The latest boom for the company is word that their research and development is going into the health and fitness areas, now. Products that they are working on include 'Hair-On-A-Doorknob' shampoo that might give Rogaine a run for it's money, 'Sighthound Sleek'; a new weight loss supplement which is made from Saluki milk, and "Border Collie Drops" for extra energy throughout the day.

Mr. Kurdle added, "We still have some bugs to work out on some of this. For instance, while the energy drink does actually work, the neighboring farms have been complaining that our testers are trespassing and bothering livestock when released from the labs. We hope to have these issues worked out shortly."

Associated Ridiculous Press -- 7/27/04


"Help for Firefighters on the Way"

LIVERMORE, Calif. (ARP) ... Researchers today revealed new findings in improved fire fighting techniques today in Livermore, Calif.. In a Press conference, they announced a new fire retardant that is far improved over currently used substances.

"Dog saliva has proved in testing, time and time again, to be a superior weapon in fire fighting" said Dr. Salvidor Driplip, Ph.D., of the California Fire Fighting Research Laboratories in Pleasanton, Calif.. Scientist set up a demonstration for reporters using a Mastiff. In a controlled parking lot area, they rolled out several trees in planters and lit them on fire. Each was 20-30 feet apart. The Mastiff, Rudy, then was led to the center and on command, shook heavily, extinguishing all trees instantly.

"It's absolutely miraculous! This will change fire fighting forever! Not only does it smother and extinguish fires but sticks to everything as an improved retardant with staying power!", Dr. Driplip explained. Scientist envision every helicopter and fire fighting plane equipped with large dogs, like Rudy, in the near future.

While most were excited about the new findings by researchers, PETA demonstrators picketed out in front of the facility carrying signs saying "DROOL IS CRUEL", but were not allowed to enter.

Released by Associated Ridiculous Press, 7/22/04


© Linda Hardman