Sample Postings from Showdogs-L

Just between us, the rest of these yahoos are a little weird. Especially Susi. I will tell you Things You Need to Know About SD-L (Whether You Want to or Not):

 1) At dog shows we identify ourselves (if you really want to admit to being part of this group) by tying crime scene tape somewhere on our setups or our persons. To acquire crime scene tape, one sends a SASE to Vonnie or takes it from around the ring where Peggy or Jean last made a *really* bad decision. There are other judges on this list but they usually lay low. I don't know why.

 2) *** on the subject line of a post means it has little or no redeeming value. If you are humor-challenged or have PMS or your dog just died, you should skip it. It will only annoy you.

 3) Susi is unhinged. When she is not actually frothing at the mouth, we humor her. Susi is under psychiatric list care provided by either Photographer Steve or Shrink Steve, I forget which.

 4) There are *no* cliques on this list, and no one is sacred...or safe. If you make a typo, post a personal note accidentally to the list, or make a smart *ss remark, you are fair game. Watch your "to" line very carefully. People tend to dump their personal and financial problems into a confidential e-mail, then post it to the entire list. It will be forgiven, but not overlooked. Trust me on this. Not that I have ever been so stupid.

 5) No one is intentionally ignored. If you have a question that does not get answered, repeat it with "second request" or "Excuuuuse me?" or "Hey, you jerks!" in the subject line. Sometimes something is overlooked because everyone assumes someone else can answer better or that it has been answered via private e-mail. Sometimes no one knows. But someone will usually pretend to if you ask again.

 6) If you are answering a post and quote the entire thing instead of snipping the relevant parts, people will complain loudly and on the list. You will be embarrassed. LAG gets testy about this too, and we love her and try to keep her happy...when that fails, we just keep her drugged, but she has a habit of sending in LAG-ette Terri on those occasions. They are good LAGs. They even put up with people who have no authority at all posting things like "What You Need To Know About SDL."

 7) This is definitely a no-flames list and if you get too snippy about something, you will not only get called down by LAGette Terri, who is Politeness LAG, but people will post telling you to chill out. If that fails, someone named Vito will come to your home to discuss it with you. For instance, you cannot call Susi a brazen, newt-eating, slatternly sack of goat poop or refer to her as the wife of a whoreson, beetle-headed, flap-eared knave. Even if that is what you think.

 8) If you get annoyed with off-topic, mildly off-color, or humorous posts, you won't like it here. People have complained to Mary in the past but she knows we are totally out of control, so she just ups her Prozac and turns off her computer for a few days. She does ask that we TRY to stay on topic (more or less) and the really tasteless sexual reference is out unless you can link it to breeding dogs.

 9) If you have a husband or SO who is kind, sexy, witty, brilliant, and loves dogs, do not allow him to join the list. The list lizards have no scruples and before you know it, they will be shamelessly hitting on him right on the list in front of LAG and everybody.

 10) Walt is not available. George is.

 11) The thing that upsets LAG the very most is when you post judge comments to the list. Although the rest of us secretly love it, you will be mortified if you have called a judge blind, ignorant, political, a skirt-chaser, lecher, or make reference to his or her sexual preferences. You can't even say anything nice about a judge on the list because someone else will write back that the judge is blind, political, etc. This is especially bad if the judge is Peggy or Jean or any of the Anonymous Judges.

 12) If you have short posts on several subjects, LAG prefers that you combine them in one post because this list has a 150 post limit and sometimes hits it by noon. Of course some of us babble on so long that one might wish it *were* broken up into smaller posts or not posted at all or... Nevermind.

 Sharyn Layson
TimbreBlue Collies & Whippets

Beware Patti - follow Shayron's Twelve-Step Program and you're going to need more help than any of us can give you. That includes Uncle Steve who's a shrink, Jo who's shrinking, Susi who plans to do the hula in puli cords when Jo's finished shrinking, and me in conservatorship administration after they put you all away.

 I was nice to and she tried to send me Welfare Queen Nadine, an out-of-work collie hooker and two pan-handling kids. Then there was that thing she found under the woodpile that she tried to send me, but it hijacked the UPS truck. She claimed it was a dog, but in California we call the things that live in woodpiles black widow spiders.

 Shayron means well, but let me explain a little better:

 1. Crime scene tape. If pilfered from a real crime scene, don't expect us to bail you out. I keep mine in my arm band holder so it's handy to rope off the ring entrance if you run into judging like that at...... but that's another story. I was visited by a homicide detective today. He SAID he was interested in reserving a puppy but it was odd the way he kept tapping the paneling.

 2. Most new subscribers manage to post messages with some redeeming value. Eventually they lose their sanity too.

 3. We're working on custom hingek for Susi. Every plural has to end in a "K" for Susi, that's slowing us down.

 4. Please post the balance in your checkbook to the list and we'll all grab for it. Send your personal troubles to Dr. Laura.

 5. Starting any post with "Hey, you jerks!" is likely to get our attention.

 6. LAG stands for List Administrator Goddess, not the speed at which their synapses fire.

 7. Most of us are so Martha Stewart you have to yell "Hey, you jerks!" two or three times to even get us to notice. We can't seem to make flames no matter how hard we rub the sticks together.

 8. Actually, this whole list is just Mary's drug-induced hallucination. We don't dare let her wake up - we might all disappear.

 9 If you have a husband or SO who is kind, sexy, witty, brilliant,and loves dogs, post HIM to the list. Then just go away.

 10. Waltah sells vacuums, George whips things.

 11. You are expected to say something nice about judges - and how much you paid them - especially if said judges are also on this list. Sometimes innocent new subscribers ask innocent questions about judges who are on the list. Some of those judges will shamelesly answer you themselves

 12. If you have long posts on short subjects LAG prefers that you break them up with a sledge hammer.

 So welcome, if you can stand us. Dump those collies, I can offer you a REAL dog (or 2/3 of one anyway) with The Great Pond Scum, a BISS and High Score, Top Ten in Breed AND obedience, sire of champions and specialty winners. Or his harem, Angina, ShadRoe, Tadpole.......

 Shayron, where'd she go?

 Karen Harbert
Aelwyd Cardigan Welsh Corgis

Patti,  Pay no attention to those people behind the curtain...they're of no importance....the great and powerful Oz (LAG) has spoken... OOPS wrong time warp!! Since everyone is ginving you advise here's mine (BG)

 1) Be prepared to hear lots of whining from Sharyn about the Hormone Princess and her upcoming wedding. Be sure to ask her the hit a run story.

 2) Some subjects to be sure to ask about, names for dogs, opinions on vans or trailers & where to buy wickets.

 3) Don't believe anything Suzi says about her "well behaved" Puli's, the Puli slut ran off on a wild motorcyle ride with the Diet Cola Hunk last summer and was gone for weeks and she let George's dog on a life of crime charging a new wardrobe to his American Express card. So you can see her dogs are totally unrully.

 4) (OTOH) anyone on the list with Terriers (especailly Australian Terriers) are wonderful, helpful, kind people so feel free to ask us anything.

 5) Start shopping now for your present to Sharyn's cyber wedding to Walt. We're all invited and be sure to bring ALL your dogs.

 6) What can I tell you about Faith? Faith is Faith you'll have to find out about her for yourself.

 and Last but Not Least the LAGS are wonderful people, don't let them intimidate you, their bark is worse than their bite. If you step out of line they'll only put you on review for 2 years!

 Otherwise welcome aboard and feel free to ask us anything ..... you won't see us (ROFL) when we read your post and you we won't snicker much in our answers (BG)